Sometimes, you just need to talk all the thoughts going on in your mind out but your ego doesn’t allow you to. It is the worst phase for any friendship. Deep inside you know, not talking can ruin your friendship forever but your ego doesn’t bat an eyelid to your pleadings. That is the battle you have more with yourself than the other person.
I’ve this person who is a good friend of mine. I didn’t realize him being my good friend for a long time. When I realized I thought I was lucky to have a person like him as a friend, he is a real gem, the kind of kid your parents always told you to be. The perfect child every parent dreams of. After sometime, he broke my trust.
To explain it better… *flashback*
This friend of mine chose a group of people over me and stopped talking to me… just because- majority and one person.. that reason itself killed my trust on him. I am the kind of person who can’t… mind me when I say ‘can’t’… because I simply can’t trust people the same way again once they broke my trust. But still I thought of giving our friendship a chance.
Back to present-
Here, after almost a year of me being rude to him and he being a sweetheart, he has again started ignoring me. I somehow don’t want our friendship to end because he is an actual sweetheart but then a part of me believes in him repeating the history. Reason for me thinking that? Reason you ask? Well, the answer is simple… He has always been friends with everyone, a good friend to every single person. What’s wrong in that you ask? I am not saying it’s wrong being good but I can’t actually trust people who don’t take a stand. When you take a stand you are bound to have some people disliking you. If you don’t have enemies, then my friend, you are doing something wrong.
Back then he didn’t take a stand for me, he didn’t stick around me, he didn’t have enough guts to choose me over a bunch of people. I can’t trust a person who leaves me in such a stupid situation… what will the person do when something literally drastic happens and sticking by me can mean him losing something. Wasn’t I worth standing for? Wasn’t our friendship important enough?
He tells me not to talk to some of the people because they bitch about me. I have no problem in cutting crappy people out of my life. But I have a tiny-winy question here- well a few, to be precise…
1) How can I trust what you said is true when you hang out with the same people you told me to stay away?
2) If I really am your best friend, as you put it, then why did they feel comfortable enough to talk shit about me in front of you?
3) Lastly, why the hell didn’t you feel the need to defend me?
Nope, just nope, if you didn’t have the audacity to defend me then you’ve no right to tell me what I need to do, who I need to socialize with because I ain’t gonna be believing you.
Yet, I don’t like to let relations go easily so I still want to talk to you. Just to find out that you are doing this because I’ve recently started talking to all the people you warned me about or that some idiots don’t want you talking to me or something like that so that I can put my guilt to rest and not ever see your face.
But then here’s my ego not letting me ask you. I know, as a matter of fact, that ego can kill relations. I would have fought with my ego if it was alone but my ego has the support of my inner voice and I dare not go against that collaboration of warning.
You ask me how a single mistake can mean more than our friendship. Let me tell you the answer- I have always believed in actions more than words, giving second chances and human’s love for making mistakes. Your words my boy, don’t match your actions. Here you say that I am your best friend and there is someone discussing ill about me with YOU, that’s a great way of showing how good of a friend you are. The people because of whom our friendship was on rocks are the people you still hang out with, note this thing again, I don’t mind you hanging out with anyone, seriously, my issue is you not telling me. There is some random hater making an indirect comment on me, you know it’s on me still you join them in that ugly joke and when I point it out to you, your reaction is- “So?” That’s how you roll your friendship?
Thumbs up to the friendship ! You just made me feel like a nincompoop for giving you a second chance. Thanks for giving me another reason not to trust people.
I know the reason for you not talking to me can be some mistake of mine. I don’t say I am perfect. I know I have been rude to you but even you know you deserved some of the harsh behavior for what you did. I just couldn’t pretend that you ditching me was no big deal. Because who am I kidding, it was hell of a big deal for me.
Even if it’s my mistake I deserve to know the reason like you knew why I was angry. I deserve to know what hurt you rather than that cold shoulder you are giving. I was clear about what hurt me, I was clear about how I won’t be able to trust you the same way again when you apologized, I was clear when I said you will have to work hard to win my trust back. Speak what you feel. Is that something too much to ask for? and on an additional note there have been many little hints of you not actually meaning to change after you apologized. Even if you don’t get it, I register every small thing you do, that means something, in my memory.
The important thing for any relation according to me is TRUST!! Do lakhs of mistakes and I will forgive you, do a small thing that bothers my trust on you, I am sorry to say, even if you are the most noblest person, I won’t be giving a damn about you anymore.
The saddest thing about betrayal is it never comes from an enemy, betrayal is the only truth that sticks. So, remember if I ever turn my back on you then it’s because you did the same to me.I believe in friendship being a pure relationship where no kind of pretense is required. If I have to think before speaking about my dreams then that friendship is useless.
You may be right and I may be wrong but I choose my self-respect over our friendship.
Our experiences teach us a lot and the people we meet give us those experiences. Being straightforward and a lady who takes a stand helps to get such experiences. I have had different types of friends. Who stand by you, who use you, who love you, who hate you, etc, etc so I know when I say ‘I’m done’ I mean exactly the same. No ifs and no buts.
My advice is- to read actions after you give second chances. Words may lie, apologies may turn out to be fake but actions… they never lie. Small things give out big meanings. 🙂